Finding hope in less than a centimeter

This is a tough entry to write.
For one this isn't really how I want to announce that we are expecting.
Secondly, this topic makes me pretty sad.

Why am I sharing?
I know that I need all the prayers and support as we possibly can get.

A little bit of history.
James and I have been married for five years. We have been able to complete school and we are both working full time jobs with good companies. We have been able to travel to some fun places, experience some pretty incredible things, and learn some really hard lessons. We have been extremely blessed and we know that the Lord's hand has been in every decision of our lives- we are grateful every day for what He has blessed us with.
Through these five years we have been to countless bridal showers and weddings of friends and family. It has been so wonderful to be able to celebrate such a great thing with the people that we love. Also in these five years we have watched many new babies bring joy into our loved ones' lives.
This year will be year number four that James and I have been trying to start our own family. Every year that has gone by I can look back and see why our Heavenly Father didn't bless us with a little one and I am grateful that we were able to spend that year with each other to grow and learn and prepare to be better parents. I could see why we weren't ready.

I know that four years isn't a very long time. I know that there are MANY people that haven't been able to have children ever, or have been trying for much longer. I know that there are hearts that are feeling the same emptiness that mine has felt. I know there are arms that crave to be filled just as mine have. I don't mean to sound selfish or to draw attention to such a small amount of time. My heart goes out to all who have been waiting. I know each of you have your own story....I just wanted to share mine.

This year I could feel was different, or I wanted it to be different...so, we saw a special doctor. We did the special tests. We made the financial decision. We were finally successful!
There were four positive pregnancy tests.
There were two great blood tests.
There was an ultrasound that showed that a living thing was actually growing inside of me.
There was joy that was bigger than I have ever felt before!

On the morning of September 3rd, I had one of those dreams where you think you got up and got ready and went somewhere and it feels so real! In the dream I got up and got ready for the ultrasound. James and I went to the office and the ultrasound was great! Every was perfect!
And then I woke up.
I felt my heart get a little excited that I was going to have that same experience in real life! That it didn't have to be just a dream!
Two hours later....I wanted to be back in my dream.

We went to the doctor. We started the ultrasound. The doctor measured my baby. We saw the heart flickering. I still can't believe how small they start out as! And then the doctor tried to listen for a heart beat. Mine was very overpowering and as the minutes went by and I could tell he wasn't finding what he was looking for my heart was racing- loud and fast....which made things even more difficult for the doctor to find the babies heartbeat. He stopped the ultrasound and said that he was concerned.
In short, the baby's heartbeat was slower that is expected for 7 weeks along. He doesn't think that this will turn out to be a positive thing.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday. This little bear has one week to grow and I am hoping and praying that the heartbeat will speed up and that this will turn out to be a viable pregnancy.

I don't think I have ever wanted anything more in my life. Before now, I just wanted to be pregnant. Now that I am, I want more than I ever thought possible for this baby to be okay. And to keep growing!

So. My little baby bear is less than a centimeter in size. That's about how much hope I have left to hold on to. But my faith in the Lord is much greater and I know that my faith and prayers combined with loved ones praying, I know that this will turn out the way that our Heavenly Father has planned. Even if it isn't what I want it to, even if this doesn't result in a baby being held in my arms, I know that He will at least give me the strength- give us the strength, to get through this and move forward.

Second Ultrasound- 7 weeks

At seven weeks we saw the doctor again and got to see our little bear on the big screen. Again we saw a little heart flicker and baby had grown a little bit.

What I experienced at 7 weeks:

Not so many cravings anymore

Very tired...still

Still thristy

Frequent trips to the bathroom at all hours of the day

My body is very sore

What to expect at 7 weeks:

Your baby's approximately a quarter of an inch in length now — about the size of a blueberry. Sounds pretty tiny still? Consider this for a little perspective: Your baby is 10,000 times bigger now than it was at conception a month ago. At 7 weeks pregnant, most of that growth is concentrated in the head (the better to store all those smarts) as new brain cells are generated at the rate of 100 per minute. How's that for a budding genius?

Baby's Arms & Legs Start Developing
And talking about buds, your baby is going out on a limb this week. Its arm and leg buds begin to sprout and grow longer (and stronger), dividing into hand, arm and shoulder segments — and leg, knee and foot segments (though the limb buds look more like paddles than hands or feet at this early stage).

Baby's Got Kidneys
Also forming this week are your baby's mouth and tongue. And although your embryo is just one month old, it's already gone through three sets of kidneys. The ones in place now are the permanent set and are poised to begin their important work of waste management. In about a week, your baby will start producing urine. Lucky for you, there's no need for diapers (yet). As your baby matures inside you, much of that urine will be excreted into the amniotic fluid, swallowed again by your baby and then excreted again in a continuous cycle.

First Ultrasound- 6 Weeks

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. We saw this little bear's heart flicker and it measured a smaller than a centimeter.

What I experienced at 6 weeks:

Extremely thirsty

I wanted all things salty and cheesy

Really hard to sleep

Every morning I would wake up in complete awe and gratitude that this was finally happening

What to expect at 6 weeks:

Baby's Head Takes Shape
You might be coping with full-blown pregnancy symptoms (sorry), but there's plenty of good news too. The folds of tissue in the prominent bump on top (the head) are developing into your baby's jaw, cheeks and chin — what will eventually become one adorable face. And are those little indentations on both sides of the head the adorable dimples you always hoped your baby would inherit from your mom's side of the family? No, they're ear canals in the making. Small bumps on the face will form the eyes and button nose in a few weeks time. Also taking shape this week: her kidneys, liver and lungs, along with her little heart, which is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day).

Are you positive?

After so many years of negative tests, this test didn't seem real. I could not believe that it was actually positive--and because of this, I took another one, and another one, and another one! After four tests I finally believed the test enough to call the doctor and get a blood test done. Even then, we did two of those just to be on the safe side.

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So here it is.
           I am F I N A L L Y pregnant!!
                                  James and I are starting a family!
                                                          I am going to have a baby!!!